I should write for the Onion

So sitting here watching ESPN, like I do every day, I found myself inundated about sports coverage from various talking heads. They bitched about the usual crap (The Cowboys are doomed, Nick Saban is the anti-christ, Mark McGwire is the co-anti-christ, Pat Riley's hip is the associate anti-christ, etc.), but then they started talking about LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers winning the NFL MVP award. This, coupled with my reading of a CNN article at the time about the war in Iraq, suddenly made me realize how the Onion puts out such ridiculous stories. So, without further ado...

LaDainian Tomlinson Dispatched to Iraq - NFL MVP to Juke, Stiff-Arm Sectarian Violence

The U.S. military received a much-needed shot in the arm to start the 2007 season with the surprise deployment of NFL MVP LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers to the battlefield in Iraq.
Tomlinson, who recently set the NFL single-season record for rushing touchdowns, is expected to provide much needed speed, agility, and breakaway potential for an offense currently banged up, with nagging injuries to its morale and resolve.
"Any football coach will tell you that you don't win games unless you can establish the run early on," said United States President George W. Bush. "The addition of LT will finally give us a workhorse that we can ride to victory."
Since beginning the campaign in Iraq in March of 2003, the United States military's success against the Iraqi defense has dissipated with each passing month.
"What began as a swiss-cheese, Indianapolis Colts-style defense has suddenly seen a scrappy late-season surge akin to the Philadelphia Eagles," said United States General John Abezaid.
Abezaid feels that one of the things that the military has lacked since beginning the campaign was a dependable option in the backfield that could be deployed at a moment's notice to keep the enemy off-balance. In turn, the Iraqi defense has all but neutralized the previously potent United States air attack, making a strong ground game that much more important.
"It's really all about time of possession, which is obvious to even the most passive observer," Abezaid said. "With our resources, we feel that a time of possession battle really tends to favor the United States. We can afford to wait."
The excitement felt over Tomlinson's arrival is palpable in the Iraqi capital of Baghdad, where Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki greeted the news with cheers while brandishing a San Diego Chargers powder blue retro jersey.
"Our ability to pound the rock with Mr. Tomlinson 30-40 times per engagement is the key to loosening the hold that [radical Shi'ite cleric] Muqtada Al-Sadr has over the hearts and minds of the people," Al-Maliki said while drawing up battle plans with a telestrator.
Not all are impressed with Tomlinson's arrival in the Middle East, however. Least of all Al-Sadr himself, who dismissed the tailback with an age-old saying.
"The American infidels would be wise to remember that defense wins championships," Al-Sadr said in a videotaped appearance on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption. "Send over Mr. Tomlinson's teammate, defensive lineman Shawne Merriman, and then we'll talk."